Oh the feeling of guilt. Especially as a mama. Known as nothing other than mom guilt. And I know I’m not the only one.

I don’t know of any mom who doesn’t experience some type of guilt when it comes to parenting. I know for me it is feelings of guilt, anxiousness, dissapointment in myself, and a whole lot of doubt when it comes to my parenting. I am constantly questioning myself and the way I parent my kids. Guilt obviously comes in many different forms and is unique to every mom. I personally have many thoughts that accompany my feelings of guilt. I worry about what I let Londyn eat, how much screen time she has, Bo’s sleeping schedule, if I raised my voice too much, if I’m spending too much time with my husband and not enough time with the kids, I mean the list goes on and on. I start to wonder about other moms and how they handle certain situations and do things. Eventually all the comparing and worried thoughts leave me with so much shame. I become my own worst critic and start to think that I am a bad mom. I think guilt is hard as a mom because we are our little ones nurturers. We are the ones they look up to for love, support, comfort, patience, and everything in between. There is so much pressure out there from the world to be the perfect mom. We feel like we have pressure from family, friends, and even social media.

I remember sitting and talking with a group of moms a couple weeks ago. We got on the topic of holidays and birthdays. One of the moms had mentioned that she just picked up a pie for her kids because it was March 14th, aka Pie Day. The other moms and I politely joked about how we would never even think of something like that. Let alone, realize it was pie day and that pie day was an actual thing to celebrate. We then started talking about the different holidays and how we have these expectations to be the leprachaun, the Easter bunny, Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, etc. And although it is so much fun to see the excitement and joy within our kiddos on these special days, it can also be exhausting. Exhausting because once again, we feel pressure to make sure we are doing it right. I love preparing for holidays now that I have kids but I still find myself questioning if I’m doing enough. Or even if I am doing too much. We then got on the topic of birthdays. Another mom in the group’s daughter was turning two in the next couple days. The group asked if she had anything special planned for her birthday and she said “psh no, she’s only turning two. She won’t remember.” In my mind I thought exactly! I have never been a party person. I never threw Londyn a big special first birthday party and I’m still debating if I will throw a party for Bo. I figure if I am not one for attention and he is so young, what is the point? Then the guilt sets in and I feel like I am a terrible parent for not throwing them birthday parties. I know some people choose to throw parties because it is a good excuse to get together as family and friends, others like the planning part, and then some simply enjoy the joy it brings them. And well me, I choose not to throw parties because I simply do not like throwing them. And that is okay. All of these reasons are completely okay and valid.

Why must we as moms constantly question if we are doing the right thing? We immediately start to compare ourselves to other moms. It’s so unhealthy and exhausting. If only we could focus on all the good that we do instead of what we aren’t doing? In fact, some of us silently start to even mom shame. Inside we are not confident in our parenting, so we shame others.

I truly believe that as mothers we are doing the best we can. No one is perfect which means there is no such thing as a perfect mom. We need to remember to embrace the imperfectness. When we learn to let go of the perfectionism, we are able to be real. Kids need us to be real. They need to know that it is okay to be vulnerable and experience feelings of sadness, frustration, and guilt. We must remember to also be gentle with ourselves and our kids through this all. Life isn’t always easy. In fact, it can get real messy and that’s okay. We keep plugging along. We won’t fall into the shame we may start to feel. If you need the tv to babysit while you do laundry, so be it. If you let your kids eat candy for breakfast, don’t beat yourself up about it. If you want to throw a massive birthday party for your child, DO IT.

I know so much of this is easier said than done. Even for me. Especially because guilt is such a real feeling and it is normal to feel guilt. I often have to remind myself to just stop for a moment and breathe. I remind myself that I am doing the best I can and motherhood is hard. I think it is the hardest job in the world. And well, the coolest job of course. Let’s remember that we are all in this together. Let’s support one another. Moms can always use support and words of encouragement. Let’s definitely not mom shame.

I think guilt means that we care. I mean, if we didn’t feel guilty for things all the time then wouldn’t that mean we don’t care?

Whenever this topic comes up, I usually say something like “don’t even get me started” because it infuriates me so much. Well, it’s time for me to open up about it and share my thoughts.

Where do I begin.. Pornography. We all know what it is. We all know how damaging it can be. At least I think we all do. I remember a few years back when our governor declared pornography a public health hazard in our state. My Facebook feed began to blow up with people stating how ridiculous they thought it was and making jokes about it. Inside, I was so appauled and offended.

First off, yes. It is a public health crisis. Pornography is truly a form of drug. Why? It is addictive for one and it actually has the same affects on the brain as hard drugs. So maybe it isn’t truly categorized as a drug in your dictionary but, it sure is in mine. I think most of us have heard of the chemical in our brain called Dopamine. It is often referred to as the feel-good hormone. A good example of dopamine that I think many of us can relate to, would be posting a picture to Instagram and getting a whole bunch of likes. You start to feel really good inside and get a boost of confidence. Even some possible validation. That right there is dopamine being released. How is this related to pornography you ask? Well, when dopamine is released it also starts to develop an addiction where one is always seeking pleasure so that they can reach higher and higher levels of dopamine. And in this case, that addiction would be porn. When someone is addicted to porn, overtime large levels of that feel good chemical cause the brain to develop a tolerance. Exactly like that of a drug user. So once again in this case, someone who watches porn requires more and more to feel a high or get a buzz. This leads to people turning on more porn to satisfy their needs. And well quitting, this leads to withdrawal symptoms just like drugs. Or in my case, my daily iced vanilla chai from Starbs. Now I understand there are other imporant issues going on in our state and even in the world, but this does not mean porn can’t be an issue as well.

Next, let’s talk about porn and relationships. When someone watches porn it decreases both their relationship and sexual pleasure. Many people who have a partner that looks at porn have a low self-esteem. This is because they feel that they are not good enough. But how could you feel good enough? You would feel as though you are competing with unrealistic bodily perfection and intensity. This leads people to believe that they are not good enough. People who watch porn start to fantasize about the things they see. They start to want to experiment. This leads to objectifying one another. This is when you literally start to see another human as an object. You see them as something that can pleasure you or satisfy your sexual needs. A person is not an object. That person has a soul and a purpose. And that body is their own. Not yours.

I’m getting real vulnerable here and I can tell you from personal past experience, being used for sexual pleasure SUCKS. It not only sucks but it hurts. It hurts deep down. You feel broken inside. You feel as though you have been robbed from. Because you have. You question your worth. At least I did. Is this what I am? An object? Is this all that I am good for? I remember feeling so much shame. I began to truly believe that I did not have any other worth or purpose. I began to hate my body. I treated it as if it was nothing. I treated my body as if it were truly an object. Thinking about it now makes me so sad and sick to my stomach. How dare I think of my body as nothing other than an object. I know I am not the only one that has experienced this. That is the sad part. And I’m afraid that many of these people in this disgusting industry, they’ve lost their relationship with their body as well.

So tell me how in the hell someone can support this? Oh and did I mention that if these people did not choose to go into the industry themselves, they most likely were forced into it. That’s when we get into the topic of human sex trafficking. Even more disgusting and sick. I’ll save you all the sad and sickening details of that and give you the option to Google it if you really want to learn more on that. It probably would be helpful for some of you that are struggling with understanding how it correlates with pornography.

I have to believe no one truly wants to support this but that they sadly got sucked into it by none other than addiction. Unfortunately, it is getting harder and harder for addicts because porn is everywhere. It is so normalized in today’s society and pop culture. I mean think of Kim Kardashian for example. Everyone knows who she is and tell me again how she got famous? Because of a SEX tape. Sure she is famous for other things now but it all began with a sex tape. You see sex being advertised everywhere. You walk into Victoria’s Secret and what is being advertised? Sex. You turn on the tv and sex is everywhere. Remember this latest season of the Bachelor? The big thing was that Colton was a virgin. That became the entire focus of the show. Almost all movies now have some sort of sex scene and when they do, they are more graphic than ever. Many of today’s most popular songs revolve around sex and objectifying women. 91% of women are unhappy with their body image. Because of this many women end up dieting to the extreme or developing an eating disorder.

Here I am getting pretty vulnerable again. After I was used, I began to believe that I truly was just an object to be used or admired. I began to solely focus on my body image. Afterall that is all that was important right? My appearance, because I was just an object. It was all I thought about and focused on. I began limiting what I ate to feel “skinny.” It helped me feel like I had some control over what I was feeling.

Now we are diving even deeper. Let’s get into the effects our sexualized society has on women of color. Studies have shown that women of color are more likely to be sexually objectified and treated as less than. But look at history, our ancestors were slaves. Treated as just that, objects. When I was dating this became clear to me in some of the comments that were made to me. Comments were made such as “I heard black girls do it better”, “you could say I have some jungle fever”, “you’re pretty for a black girl” and “you have the perfect skin color.” These are just a few examples and what do all of these comments relate to? That I am seen as nothing other than an object. What about my personality? That just doesn’t matter? I’m not sure everyone quite understands the struggle that a woman of color has to go through. This causes us to want to make unnecessary changes to our bodies and even our hair. It is a plague within our community. But once again look at how we are portrayed in the media? We are almost always objectified. We are supposed to be the sex symbols of society. The dirty fantasy of every man. We are seen as the vixen type. Big butt, big boobs, small waist. Always there for your pleasure. Did you know that women have died going under extreme surgical procedures to acheive this specific body type? Most black women are only seen in hip hop culture or pornography. We as black women are held to these standards daily. 

One thing I think we as women need to be aware of is that men are wired differently than us. It is a proven fact. This is why men tend to struggle more with pornography addiction. Men’s brains are hard-wired for easy arousal and it is a regular need for them. Men’s hormones through physiology cause them to be able to change and override their thinking to fulfill their needs. You read that right. This means that a man can literally be reprogrammed to seek sex. This is despite what his logical mind wants. This does not make it right nor does it justify watching pornography. Slowly and slowly men are losing their ability to interact with women in a healthy way. I’ve overheard some people talk about watching porn as a couple and I am always shocked. It is not any better to watch porn as a couple and once again creates unrealistic expectations. Remember when you watch porn you are supporting human trafficking, slavery, rape and abuse of women all over the world.

So ladies, there is a truth when it comes to how we are portraying ourselves as well. For example, yes, you should be able to wear what you want and not have to worry about being objectified. But at the same time there is a reality here. If you are walking around with your boobs and butt hanging out, a man is naturally going to have some sexual thoughts about you. As much as you might hate me for saying this, it is just a truth. We as women need to respect our bodies. We need to remember just how sacred, special, and amazing they are. They are capable of so many things. One of those things is having a sexual relationship with your partner. Sex is a great thing and a crucial part of a relationship. We need to remember that and make sure it is special to your own relationship. Respect your body. Keep it to yourself and your partner only. If you’ve spent your time showing your body off to the world, how is your future or even current spouse going to feel. But also don’t shame yourself for going through the journey of rebuilding a relationship with your body. We live and we learn remember? I challenge you to look at why you feel the need to show off your body? Is it a deeper issue? Are you struggling to have a healthy relationship with your body? Or yourself? I know it is easier said than done but remember that you are important. You are special. You are beautiful. I’m not trying to be cliche but seriously, you are worthy of good things. You are worthy of a loving partner. Be gentle with yourself and your body. If you are feeling broken, take it day by day and gently start to rebuild a healthy relationship with yourself. If you already have a healthy relationship with your body, that is awesome. You have every right to be proud of your body. But still, respect it and admire it yourself. Or let your partner admire it at home in privacy. We can help with the sexualization going on in society by showing respect to our bodies.

If you personally are struggling with pornography or just want to learn more about the harmful efffects of this drug, http://www.fightthenewdrug.com is a great place to start.

Together, we can fight the new drug.

What is self-love to me? For me personally, it is knowing that I am enough and that I am worthy of all things. Especially love. It is also making sure that I am healthy both mentally and physically.

This is something that I struggle with daily and I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. Since I was a little girl I have struggled to accept myself and still today at 20 something, I still struggle. When I was young, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Learning to accept and work with these diagnoses that affect my mental health has been a journey and myself and I, we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs.

In one of the darkest and hardest times of my life, I found myself pregnant. I remember having every emotion possible flood my body. I was terrified. Pregnancy taught me so many things about myself. It taught me that I was stronger and braver than I could have ever imagined. It taught me overall and most importantly that I can do hard things.

After giving birth to my beautfiul Londyn, the first several months were HARD. I was learning how to be a mother for the very first time. I was exhausted. I was overwhelmed. I think the hardest thing of all was struggling with severe post-partum depression. I felt like I had lost myself and I felt like my life was going downhill. I felt as though all my dreams had gone down the drain because I did not feel like they were possible with a baby in tow. As overwhelming and big as life seemed at the time, this was most definitely not the time to fall into those beliefs and give up. In fact, it was time to push myself even harder and see just how much I was capable of.

Over the next few years, I questioned who I was frequently and what my purpose was. I began to try and discover myself again. Discover myself as a mother. I did even bigger and scarier things than before and pushed myself daily. I had my fair share of hardships but I think I learned to accept them and learn from them. I learned that each of these hardships slowly and slowly shaped me into a better person. Instead of getting frustrated at myself for “dumb” decisions that I had made, I chose to change my perspective and look at it as just another lesson to learn from. Afterall, life is about living and learning right?

Having the support of my family was also extremely important to me. I worked hard to strengthen my relationship with my parents and they have turned into some of my very best friends. Having the support of my family during the hardships in my life meant everything to me. One of the worst things you can feel is alone, but knowing that I had them was so comforting to me.

Fast foward to today. (Maybe I’ll share all those in between details a little later in time.) I am married to an amazing man and I have two beautiful kids. I like to think I am where I am today because I had to believe in myself somewhat right? Or maybe I just have to thank my hubs for choosing me despite my bruti-ful past and pushing me to better myself everyday. Haha, it’s probably a mix of both. I can’t let him take all the credit though because I too am strong and capable of so many things.

I’m not sure I have really stuck to the title of this post but it is all somewhere in between the lines. I think the overall purpose was to share with you a snippet of the journey I have been on. My journey of self-love and finding purpose. Like I shared above, I hope to go into more detail about my journey as time goes on.

If I could give anyone some advice right now, it would be to not give up. Also, focus on all the amazing things you are doing and not what you aren’t doing. We are all capable of so many things and most of the time, we don’t even realize it. If you do not feel like you have support from family, it is possible to find support. I personally am here for you. We are all in this together and we can’t forget that. Life is too big to leave eachother hanging, to judge, to be unkind.

“You will never regret being kind.”

As I have started to learn more about myself everyday and in this new phase of my life, I’ve discovered some key things that have really helped me through all the ups and downs.

• The first thing is self care. This can mean alot of different things, but I am specifically referring to taking time for yourself each day or week. This is crucial. You are not selfish to take time for yourself. You are not only doing yourself a favor, but your family.
• The second thing is eating healthy. I try to eat as healthy as I can but in the end it is about finding balance. I feel and look better when I am eating clean foods. Lots of fruits and veggies and drinking lots of water. I suck at drinking water so I sometimes will use Crystal Light or sparkling water for some flavor. I also have a huge sweet tooth. I do not eat perfectly healthy all the time. Like I said, it’s about balance. So if you want a sugar cookie or a slice of pizza. Eat it and don’t beat yourself up about it!
• The third thing is working out. This one is hard for me! It has taken me along time to fall in love with working out. My husband recently built a gym in our garage and it has helped pushed me to get out there and work out. I usually only do 20-30 minute workouts a few times a week but let me tell you, it makes a huge difference! I seriously am a better mom, wife and in just overall person during the week. Getting in shape is just a bonus.
• The fourth thing is trying to live in the present moment. This is extremely hard for me. Even moreso than working out. Social media is such a thief when it comes to this as well. It leads to comparison and that is the thief of overall happiness. My goal right now is to spend less time on social media and more time with my family.
• Fifth is to not have so many expectations. Life is so unpredictable. Especially with kids. Haha. I used to have so many expectations everyday and in everything that we did. It would just leave me feeling stressed and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the little things. It honestly just kind of makes me feel like I failed when I set expectations.
• Last is talking with a therapist. I truly believe everyone can benefit from talking with a therapist. Therapists are not just for people with “issues.” We ALL have issues. Let’s be honest. It is so healthy to be able to open up to someone outside of family and friends. A therapist is able to give you different perspectives on certain things and help guide you through certain things. The work is still up to you in the end. You definitely cannot expect a therapist to “fix” you. If you are up to the work, I highly recommend it. Best thing I’ve ever done. Just make sure you find a good therapist. It has taken me years to find one I truly can connect with..and that’s okay. Sometimes it takes time.

These are just some of the things that have really helped me in my daily life. Through these things I have been able to discover more things about myself and truly strengthen my relationship with myself. I am not perfect. No one is. But I am finally starting to love me for me. I am able to believe in myself a little more and more each day and will no longer define myself as broken and struggling. I am so much more.